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The Guide to Guinness

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Guinness World Records 2002
Guinness Postcards

These are some very old Guinness Postcards, with amusing captions not written by Lewis Carroll. Click on the image to expand.

Postcard1 My mother said that I never should Miss my Guinness - As if i would !

Postcard2 Bottle and Jug
(A passage whcih by some oversight, Lewis Carroll never wrote)

"Hatta's only just out of prison,", said Haigha.
"What was he in for ?" Alice ventured to ask
"A month," said the King.
"I mean," said Alice patiently, "What crime had he committed?"
"He's going to take someone else's Guinness," replied the King nervously.
"But does he go to prison before he takes the Guinness?" asked Alice. "Of course," said the King, "That's how we do it in Looking-Glass Land. It's much better that way.
Then when he does take it no one will mind."
"Except me", said Haigha, stretching out his hand, just too late. "Will you have the goodness to return my Guinness," he cried to Hatta.
"I can't have the Goodness if i return the Guinness," said Hatta, "My Goodness, your Guinness, " he added politely.

Postcard4 Mushroom Growth
"It's just a copy-caterpillar," said Alice

"Being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing," said Alice.
"It isn't," said the Caterpillar
"Well," said Alice, "everything I eat in this country makes me changes size. and all I know is that it makes me feel very queer."
"If that's all you know," said the Caterpillar," no wonder you don't know what's good for you. Now take this Guinness for example - No don't" it added quickly.
"Of course I know what's Good for You", said Alice "And I thought you took it for strength, not example"
"You do," said the Caterpillar." I mean, I do. Now Guinness makes you change all the time too, but always in the same direction. You just go onto getting stronger - it's almost monotonous."
"For goodness sake," cried Alice, "don't you want to grow strong?"
"For Goodness sake," said the Caterpillar, "I would grow 80,000 acres of barley and lots and lots of lovely hops.. But other people do that for Guinness, so all I have to reap is the benefit."

Postcard5 Why was the Hatter mad?
(Still more aplolgies to Lewis Carroll)

"Have some Guinness," the March Hare said in an encouraging tone.
Alice looked all round the table but there was nothing on it. "I don't see any Guinness," She remarked.
"There isn't any," said the March Hare.
"Then why did you offer me some?" said Alice, indignantly.
"You must be mad!"
"I am," said the March Hare.
"So's the Hatter."
"Why?" asked Alice, interested in spite of her vexation.
"Becasuse we can't get any Guinness," said the March Hare.
"That's enough to make anyone mad."
"And why can't you get any Guinness?" asked Alice.
"Too late. After hours," said the Hatter, and relapsed into silence".
"But you could have ordered some to drink at home," said Alice, who was a sensible girl.
"There!" said the March Hare.
"We never thought of that. That just shows you how mad we must be!"